ridin' low, ridin' low, ridin' faster...

people often ask me questions such as "michael, why do you post the things you do on your blog". or "how do you come up with such original material". or "why are you wearing a dress?" and by "often" i mean it probably happened twice. and i was like "what the hell? people actually read this shit?" but anyway; these are all pretty valid questions. if there is anything i have learned in my years of popularity and stardom, its that you gotta cater to the fans. and when the fans want to know something, sometimes you gotta throw them a bone. give 'em what they want. so, lets get to it. which of these never-ending questions will i address today? after putting together a committee of international supermodels and conducting a survey on this, what we came up with was the following: "goddamn it dude. why the hell are your posts so fucking long? its like reading a book. and i cant even read."

hmmm...why are these posts so long? is it due to my high school english minimum-page requirements? was i taught this verbose and wordy style of writing early in life? do i like to read myself talk? have i ever gotten a pedicure in chinatown? well, this dives into a deeper issue. one where we may not like to look. but lets be honest, we all see it but tend to ignore it. everyone [whether or not they like to admit it] is pretty upset about it, and i want to forewarn you before you read the following that you may be personally offended and want to throw things or spit or commit other such pimative behavior. mailbox bashing is one of these. poop throwing is the other. do not hold my friendship with you in jeopardy because of this; all i am doing is telling the truth. and some of us need to hear the truth from time-to-time. thats not a reason to get upset, but to face the issue and move on. to fix it. but i have to say it. here goes:

jessica simpson and nick lachey having marital problems. i know, i know. i couldnt sleep for days either. nyquil? oh, ok. i'll try that. thanks for the suggestion. do they have a lance-band for them? no? hmmm... someone should make one of those. moving on.

my posts are so long because i believe that you should only do things that are worth doing right. go big or go home. so when i want to talk about something, its because i have a lot to say on a subject. that and i tend to hit a shitload of tangents along the way. which may or may not be a good thing. im not saying its better than other blogs. just bigger. longer, per sae. my blog has more girth, if you will. hits on all spots. ok, now that i slipped those subtle penis references into this one to make up for years of insecurities in that area of my physical capacity, i can move on. er, i mean, this guy i know does. no, really... ummm...

point is: there are two kinds of blogs. those that chronicle day-to-day life and are like "man, i am in a great mood today". or "last night, i had an unplesant sexual episode with the cleaning lady from the 4th floor. i forget her name, but she left her dentures here". and then there are those that express ideas or opinions on subjects and look for comments or concerns to try and spark debate or thought of some kind. mine is neither of those, but falls into the ever-present grey area of "pointless banter that trys to sound intelligent but falls about two poops short of regularity".

there are a few things that these blogs are pretty good at. one seems to be upsetting people. and not even the people i mean to upset. but im pretty sure that situation has been rectified. the other thing is cursing. im really fucking good at that. and talking about pointless shit but making it seem [to me, at least] like there is some kind of way in this universe that the issue may, may hold a little bit of weight. im also pretty good at complementing myself. lets be honest here, all blogs seem to be are methods of allowing people to talk about how right they are at something or other. and im pretty sure i do a good job at that. in fact, i know i do. hell yes, im awesome!! so; lemme take a minute to pat myself on the back. a little to the left. down. down. a little more. a little too far... back up a little. ok, right there. ahhhh.

so, did i answer your questions? you didnt have any questions? you dont care? hmmm.... shit. well, i guess maybe i'll cut this posting 'short'. is that alright with you? good. you sure? you want a slurpie? ok. well, i hear 7-11 has good ones. you should check them out. enjoy.

"...the more i talk about it, the less i do control"